LET THE GAMES BEGIN
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June is a big month for football. On Saturday the 10th, all eyes will be on Istanbul for the UEFA Champions League final. The world will witness all the action, all the excitement, and all the melodrama of players pretending their so-called “fouls” are much worse than they actually are. Just in case you’re feeling left out, here’s a quick Soccer 101 to catch you up before kick-off. Eleven That’s how many players are on a soccer team. In case you forget, just think of it as a quarter of the number of people who helped a certain prisoner fake his own death and escape from a South African correctional facility. Although, as investigations continue, that number could run into the hundreds or even thousands. Scratch that - the case of the convicted criminal and his doctor girlfriend won’t improve your soccer knowledge at all. Just remember the number eleven. Yellow card When a player gets into a bit of trouble but not so much. Red card When a player gets into big, big trouble and is pulled off the field. It’s like a book being pulled off the shelves when the leader of a political party claims it was “unauthorised” but later admits he paid millions to the author. The political leader tries to back-pedal (if you’ll excuse the mixed sports metaphors), but what’s been said has been said and the damage is done. So this one’s simple. Big trouble = red card. Penalty This is like a special gift that’s given to a team, which gives them a good opportunity to score. It’s like the time our Minister of Electricity was given even more executive powers during an energy crisis. It’s almost the same thing, except the soccer player taking the penalty has a 50/50 chance of success. As for our Minister of Electricity… well, let’s hope for the best. Home ground advantage This is a tough one to explain when our home ground is plagued by aforementioned rolling blackouts (like, literally plagued - darkness is officially listed as a plague in the Old Testament). It’s hard to sometimes see that our home ground has advantages. But look for them and they’re there. (Insert optimism here.) Extra time How to explain this one? It’s kind of like when you reach the end of your two hours of loadshedding, only to discover that the country has been escalated to Stage 8 and you have two more hours of darkness ahead of you. Like any soccer player you’re exhausted, you’re emotional, and you think it’s all over… but then it’s not. So you cry a little and hug someone, and then you get back out there. The off-side rule Finally, let’s talk about the off-side rule. We have no idea what it is. But that’s okay - nobody else knows either, and that’s what’s really important here. People may pretend to understand it when they “educate” you at a braai. But they don’t. Because no one does. So, if we haven’t hit Stage 8 on 10 June or you happen to have an inverter, enjoy the game in the comfort of your home. Otherwise, go out somewhere and watch it with your fellow South Africans. And if anyone tries to explain the off-side rule, respond by explaining what is meant by “unplanned generation plant outages”. That’ll keep them quiet. |