AND THE SOscar GOES TO...

If you’re anything like me, you spend all year complaining that the Oscars are a politics-driven popularity contest that doesn’t mean anything in relation to talent or creativity. And then, when March comes around, you watch every second of the very lengthy ceremony - and discuss it for weeks afterwards.

Just in case (like me) you have FOMO because the Oscars happen far away in Los Angeles, let’s hand out some local awards in honour of the recent ceremony.

Presenting... the South African Oscars. Or SOscars.

BEST PICTURE

We’ve watched some amazing things over the past year. But this Oscar often goes to the popular choice, and the SOscars should be no different. So let’s give this one to our live, televised World Cup victory - because why not celebrate it one more time?

BEST DIRECTOR

If a director has something of a superiority complex, then this award goes to our very own Elon Musk. Launching things into space because he can. Buying a huge social media platform because he can. Changing its name to a single letter because he can. Firing a whole bunch of staff because he can...

In fact, this candidate has inspired me to petition Hollywood to change the name of this particular accolade to the Because I Can award.

BEST ACTOR

Our nominees are various men in local positions of power. The award for the biggest performer of the year goes to... hmm, too close to call.

BEST ACTRESS

Meryl Streep. Because always.

BEST SUPPORTING ACTOR

This one’s a shared award and goes out to every member of Parliament who got behind their colleague who commented that loadshedding isn’t a big deal. She, by the way, lost out on the Best Actress award for not even pretending to care about those of us who don’t have a mansion powered by multiple generators.

BEST SUPPORTING ACTRESS

See above.

BEST ORIGINAL SCREENPLAY

The winner hands-down is the story of a convicted murderer who escapes from prison assisted by multiple people, and his relationship with a beautiful and well-known doctor. Because that can only be a wild, crazy, made-up story... right?!

BEST UNORIGINAL SCREENPLAY

The announcement every time loadshedding moves up a stage because one of the substations has gone down. Hasn’t Substation Reactor 24B.50C gone down twice this month already? The predictability of it all is just becoming... well, unoriginal.

BEST LIGHTING

Lighting? What’s that?

BEST SPECIAL EFFECTS

The way Table Mountain gets lit up in appropriate colours to honour every culturally significant holiday (and every Springbok victory). Because somehow we have enough power to do THAT.

BEST SOUND

Sadly, this award goes to the sound of rising inflation, including the sound of the rollercoaster exchange rate. The runner-up in this category is the small pinging sound your car makes when your petrol runs low (again), and you just know the price per litre has gone up (again).

BEST COSTUME DESIGN

Anyone who dressed anyone who went to SONA.

BEST PRODUCTION DESIGN

This one goes to special achievement in props and furniture. So the obvious winner is the creative genius who hid a bunch of money inside a certain presidential couch.

Looking back at the list, it would make sense if the SOscars were proudly sponsored by our national electricity supplier. After all, they would be the recipient of so many awards. So tune in for the special broadcast tomorrow night at...

...Oh, sorry. You can’t. We’ve moved to Stage 6.